I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
