listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
