you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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