My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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