tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
