I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
