I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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