I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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