When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
