Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
