wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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