The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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