dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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