If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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