Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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