All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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