i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
