"it" just moved
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
