he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
