i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.