Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
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I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
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My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.