I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
