I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
