Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
