your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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