He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
