Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
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You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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