In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
