My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
