i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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