Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
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