Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
