so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
