I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
