shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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