she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
