you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
