if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Randomize
