I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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