I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i drank out of a bidet.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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