yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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