Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
