there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
