I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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