Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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