Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
