I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
