i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
