So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
