Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
