Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
