i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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