I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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