I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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