I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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