you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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