Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
