Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
