and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just threw up on my dentist
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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