Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
