my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
