Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
